Basically, I’ve narrowed it down to the period between January of 1981 to today. There was a LOT of stuff to choose from. I had a tough time whittling it down to just a few. But, after a bit of time, I think I’ve managed to find the top 15 institutions of pop culture that have had the greatest effect on me. In no particular hierarchy of importance, here they are:
1. Masters of the Universe (1982)
We start with Masters of the Universe. It’s a timeless collection of barbarians, laser guns, and monsters. What could have easily been an incomprehensible mash-up turned into one of the greatest pulp culture phenomena of my generation. I can’t remember exactly when I was drawn into He-Man’s wacky adventures, but I can honestly say I’ll never stop being fascinated by them. Where else can you find an evil skeletal wizard, a talking green and yellow tiger, and a robotic elephant firefighter?
I don’t think any one toy line led to my parents buying me more crap than Masters of the Universe. In addition to the regular action figures, vehicles, and playsets, my bedroom was covered in Masters of the Universe posters, books, and even a talking He-Man toothbrush (well, okay, that particular item was in the bathroom).
There’s no denying that He-Man and his cronies had a lasting impact on me. I still can’t bring myself to trust ANY blue-skinned wizard with a skeleton face. Stereotyping? Sure…but if there’s anything I learned from watching hours of Masters of the Universe cartoons, it’s this: Skeletor’s a dick!
2. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
There’s a lot of Star Trek-related stuff that’s had an impact on me over the years. But I’d have to say that Star Trek II takes the cake. It’s one of the few Star Trek films that a non-Trekkie can watch and enjoy without feeling ashamed of themselves. It’s also the only instance where Captain Kirk actually follows up on one of his past hump-a-thons with some random chick and meets one of his (probably) hundreds of illegitimate children.
Star Trek II’s got it all: wicked-bad space battles, Ricardo Montalban’s prosthetic chest piece, suspenseful storytelling, and, of course, the death of Spock. Sure, we all know he came right back in Star Trek III, but it still threatens to bring a tear to my eye every time I watch Kirk giving Spock’s eulogy at the end of Wrath of Khan.
I watch Star Trek II at least once a month and enjoy it every time. There’s just something magical about it. Star Trek: The (Slow) Motion Picture may have been the first Trek film, but Wrath of Khan is where it all began.
3. G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero (1982)
G.I. Joe had been around since 1964, albeit in 12-inch form. But, in 1982, we got G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero. THIS was the G.I. Joe of my generation! Literally hundreds of 3 ¾” figures littered my toy collection throughout my childhood and introduced me to many of the concepts and customs of military life (90% of what I know about the military comes from G.I. Joe and M*A*S*H…sad, isn’t it?).
G.I. Joe could have just been some flash-in-the-pan quickie resurgence of a 60’s classic, but instead prospered. The toys were absolutely addictive, and were at a price point that I could usually beg my parents into consistently buying me figure after figure after figure. Like many boys of my generation, I spent hours in backyard dirt campaigns and thrilling bed-top sea battles, (when I had my blue sheets on the bed, that is). Some of my most enjoyable childhood memories consist of planning and building my own shitty cardboard Cobra bases (which always seemed to center around a giant, crudely drawn spinning Cobra emblem for some reason…).
The characters still have a lasting impact on me. General Hawk taught me what it’s like to be a good leader. Snake Eyes taught me to always try to be the best you can be, no matter how badly life shits on you, and Cobra Commander taught me that even a deranged used car salesman can grow to be the leader of a powerful terrorist organization.
4. Mr. T
There have been a lot of important role models in my life, both on a celebrity and personal level. But none stand above the impact of Mr. T. I know what you’re thinking…I’m just shooting for comedy. No sir. Mr. T is the reason for most of the good aspects of my personality. And why is that? He has, and always will, terrify me into being a good person.
Why do I drink milk? Because Mr. T said to. Why do I treat my mother with respect? Because Mr. T said to. Why do I cut out the jibber-jabber? Because Mr. T said to. As a kid, I lived in constant fear that, if I didn’t act right, Mr. T would bust through my wall like the Kool-Aid Man and kick my ass.
Nowadays, I don’t live in a constant state of fear of Mr. T. But I still live my life according to many of his teachings. And it’s not just about drinking milk and treating my momma right. It’s about trying my hardest when things aren’t looking so good, not letting other people push me around, and looking out for the people I love. There aren’t too many celebrities I’d REALLY like to meet, but I’d die a happy man if I could shake Mr. T’s hand and thank him for his fear-induced tutelage.
5. Transformers (1984)
Transformers is another toy line that’s had a ridiculously lasting impact on me. The thing is, I didn’t have too many Transformers toys as a kid. They were just too damned expensive when weighed against G.I. Joes or Masters of the Universe figures (remember, I was a kid with no income…my only means of procuring stuff was through a barrage of begging and the occasional guilt trip).
But even if I couldn’t have all the Transformers toys that I’d wanted, nothing could stop me from sitting in front of the T.V. taking in hours of Transformers cartoons. I don’t know what it was about them, but they always seemed absolutely epic. At the height of their popularity, I firmly believed that I would be missing out on something of god-like proportions if I didn’t catch each and every episode. You can’t get brand loyalty like THAT anymore!
Over the years, I’ve come to realize just how much of an impact Transformers had on me. Specifically, Optimus Prime. Yeah, he’s just a robot. But, ironically, he represents the best humanity has to offer. I’d be lying if I said I lived up to his standards, but it’s something to shoot for.
6. Calvin and Hobbes (1985)
Not all great comics have to involve super heroes. Case in point: Calvin and Hobbes. There aren’t many newspaper comic strips that I actually find to be consistently funny. Even a good Far Side cartoon loses its impact after a while. But Calvin and Hobbes is a timeless classic.
Ever since being introduced to the mischievous Calvin and his level headed talking stuffed tiger, Hobbes, I was immediately drawn into the strip. As a kid, I could read Calvin and Hobbes and really relate. I, too, was a young boy who spent his school day daydreaming about T-Rexes flying around in fighter jets. It was nice to know that there was someone else out there, albeit fictional, who wasted as much time as I did.
As an adult, I can still read panel after panel of Calvin and Hobbes cartoons and not feel as though it’s stale material. I still can’t get through the three-strip sombrero/Mickey Mouse pants/being cool arc without busting out laughing (if you’ve read it, you know what I’m talking about). There’ll always be a place in my heart for Calvin and Hobbes.
7. M.U.S.C.L.E. (1985)
Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere…never has an acronym been so accurate (well, actually, it was more like hundreds of them, but no one wants to buy H.U.S.C.L.E. toys). M.U.S.C.L.E. figures were an absolute phenomenon in the 80’s that you really had to be around to experience. They were the cheapest toys you could get and all but the strictest parents could be goaded into buying you at least one 4-pack of M.U.S.C.L.E. guys on a trip to the store. And once you had a few in your collection, these damn things became currency with your friends. A boy who owned the illustrious “Hand Guy” could literally trade it for anything he wanted.
If it’s not immediately obvious by looking at them, M.U.S.C.L.E. figures originated in Japan as part of the Kinnikuman manga/anime series. After learning that, I was busting a gut to get my hands on some of this Japanese source material and find out where my tiny little pink heroes came from. By the time I was in college and knew my way around the internet, I was able to track down some of this stuff through various websites. And what did I find? Like most Japanese forms of entertainment, it was fucking retarded. The manga comics were the worst type of pointless “humor” and the anime clips that I found, though delightfully violent, weren’t stimulating at all. Right then and there, I decided to forget about these guys’ Japanese roots and focus on how much I loved their American side.
And love them I did. I’ll still never forget the day I completed my set of 236 flesh-colored M.U.S.C.L.E. guys. I felt like a god amongst men. I still dream of owning every guy in all of his later day multiple color schemes, but that might never happen. Still, not a day goes by that I don’t appreciate these little guys. They’ve even gotten me out of speeding tickets. No lie. I got caught speeding by a cop once during a period when I kept a M.U.S.C.L.E. figure hanging from my rear-view mirror. When the cop came up to give me the business, he saw that fleshy pink wrestler hanging from my mirror, engaged me in a few minutes of small talk about them, and went on his merry way. Score! You can’t ask for much more than that from a 2” plastic wrestler.
8. Aliens (1986)
Man oh man…Aliens. One of the best sci-fi films ever made. Where do you start with this thing? It could have been crap…it could have just been a sequel that didn’t need to be made. But, instead, it may just have surpassed its predecessor in awesomeness.
Instead of one alien lurking in the shadows of a ship, we now get dozens of the damn things waiting around every corner. Plus, it introduced the Colonial Marines. Even though most of them get wiped out in their first few scenes, they still drip badassness. And the Alien Queen…goddamn, what an awesome “character!”
Aliens is another film that I religiously watch ever month or so. It takes me back to a simpler time when I could spend my Saturday evenings watching an old VHS copy of the film for the umpteenth time, waiting to see Paul Riser get his head caved in by an Alien’s inner-mouth-thingie. But, time presses on. Nowadays, I spend Saturday evenings watching a DVD copy over and over again. Progress…
9. Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (1986)
I’ll go on record right now saying that I hate, hate, HATE Frank Miller’s art. It’s not some artistic expression. It’s not “gritty realism.” It’s a mess. It’s the result of a lazy artist rushing through his work. There, I said it. The guy can’t draw worth a damn.
But the bastard can write. There’s hundreds of great Batman stories out there, but this one still stands out as one of the best. Batman’s at his best here: a crazy, mean old bastard that no one wants to have around. I’m also a big fan of the idea that the Joker’s life revolves around his conflicts with Batman. The way he gets a renewed sense of homicidal vigor with Batman’s resurgence is magnificent characterization.
Most of the Batman we know today can be attributed to two things: Dennis O’Neil and Neal Adams’ runs on the character, and The Dark Knight Returns. It brought back the idea of Batman as a terrifying figure of the night and was one of the first times we really got to see what draws the Joker into clash after clash with the Dark Knight.
10. Ferris Beuller’s Day Off (1986)
Here’s another can’t-miss film on the list: Ferris Beuller’s Day Off. What makes this film so great? It’s a play-by-play documentary on how to be a jerk-off. Sure, I work somewhat hard during the week, but on the weekends, I like to have my relaxation time. And there’s no better template for how to do that than Ferris Beuller’s adventure into laziness.
I’m a strong supporter of the film’s main theme: Sometimes, you’ve just gotta drop everything and slack off for the day. Thanks to Ferris Beuller’s tutelage, I now spend a significant portion of my yearly vacation just sitting on my couch decomposing. Whenever my best friend comes down to visit, it is absolutely required that we spend some time sitting around, drinking beer, eating wings, and watching Ferris Beuller’s Day Off. It’s truly a film that shows the beauty of being irresponsible, as well as the importance of scheduling all of your acts of irresponsibility accordingly so that you’re able to fit them all into your schedule.
Plus, there’re so many classic moments: the epic Ferrari jump, the equally epic Ferrari nosedive into the woods, and the downtown karaoke dance explosion. On my one-and-only trip to Chicago, I tried my damndest to do as many Ferris Beuller activities as possible. I even got yelled at by a guy at the Sears Tower for trying to do the head-on-the window thing. I couldn’t find anyone who would let me borrow their Ferrari, though…
11. Watchmen (1986)
I’ve read a lot of comic books. I’ve even read NFL Superpro #1. But I’ve never read a comic book series as rich and thought provoking as Watchmen. In a world full of comics showing super heroes leading relatively carefree lives catching bad guys, making wisecracks, and fighting aliens, Watchmen bucked the trend by brilliantly exploring what kind of impact that sort of life would have on a person. Essentially, it’s the closest thing we have to a depiction of what life would really be like with super heroes running around.
One of the things that makes it so great is the depth that it presents. In just twelve issues, Watchmen coherently covers decades. It even gives us little snippets of fictional autobiographies, psychiatric reports, and newspaper clippings that help us to believe that this is a real universe we’re reading about.
I can’t count how many times I’ve read Watchmen. What brings me back time and again? It’s the little things. Every time I read it, I catch something new. I find some little snippet of detail that helps me appreciate the series on a whole new level. I’d read this thing at least half-a-dozen times before I realized that the upcoming “Pale Horse” concert discussed throughout the book was a reference to the impending death faced by the citizens of New York at the book’s climax.
Plus, I just can’t get enough of Rorschach. It’s kind of unsettling to see how my views on the world get more and more similar to his with each passing year…
12. Mega Man 2 (1988)
I loved the original NES. I absolutely loved it. There are games for that system that I still find enjoyable today. But, of all the games for the original NES, none stood out like Mega Man 2. The first Mega Man game was okay. It’s a fun enough way to spend your time. But Mega Man 2? This bitch is video game greatness! From beginning to end, you’re treated to exciting graphics, engaging music, and challenge after challenge after challenge. But, despite the challenge, it’s a fair game. If you work hard enough at Mega Man 2, you can get through it (the same can’t be said for the frustratingly impossible and unfair sequel, Mega Man 3).
What’s weird about Mega Man 2 is that, despite it being my favorite NES game of all time, I never owned it. Instead, I begged my dad to rent it for me weekend after weekend, even after having beaten it a few times. I was just that hooked. You’d think my parents would have caught on and bought the damn thing for me instead of racking up $500 in rental fees, but that’s the way it goes sometimes.
To this day, I enjoy playing the game. Playing levels over and over to get power ups. Defeating the various well-designed robot bosses. Using the new powers you get after beating each level (even the useless Bubble Lead and Wood Shield). It’s all top-notch video game fun. Anyone who doesn’t place this game in their NES top 5 is severely under-educated about what makes a good video game.
13. X-Tinction Agenda (1990)
If you’re a reader of X-Men comics, you’ve read your fair share of crossovers. Sometimes, they’re okay. Most of the time, they’re unnecessary and confusing. But the king of all X-Book crossovers has GOT to be the X-Tinction Agenda. Running through the Uncanny X-Men, X-Factor, and New Mutants, (man, can you believe there was actually a time when there weren’t fifteen different mutant titles on the shelves), the X-Tinction Agenda was the thematic culmination of years of the bigotry and hatred aimed at mutants.
What I like about it is the immediate danger and desperation it places our heroes in. Most crossovers follow this formula: 1) A big bad guy does some big, bad thing, 2) A bunch of heroes rally around together to stop him, 3) There’s a big fight, 4) Somebody dies and everyone makes a big deal about it even though they know he/she will be brought back to life six issues later, 5) Everyone shakes hands and parts ways. But that’s not how it goes in the X-Tinction Agenda. Right from the start, we’re blasted with all sorts of uncertainty and unexpectedness. Havok comes out of nowhere and is now a mutant-hating Genoshan, Storm, Boom-Boom, Rictor, Wolfsbane, and Warlock are carted off to the island of Genosha as prisoners, Storm and Wolfsbane get transformed into zombie-like mutates, and Warlock dies. Pow! And that’s just in the first couple of chapters. What follows is the rag-tag efforts of all the remaining X-Men (and affiliates) to free their friends from the demented cyborg, Cameron Hodge. But, instead of the heroic all-out battle and victory we’re expecting, pretty-much everyone gets captured and tortured by Hodge. Even Wolverine appears to be down for the count after a forced battle with Archangel.
Sure, things end up okay in the end. Cyclops is able to smack some sense back into Havok, Storm and Wolfsbane are freed from their state of slavery, and most everyone gets to go home. But DAMN, what a story. It’s still refreshing to go back and read a relatively modest nine issue tale that tells a gripping story without relying on trendy, publicity-aimed “monumental events.” It’s still the standard by which I judge crossovers today, and probably always will be.
14. Zelda: A Link to the Past (1992)
After moving on from the original NES, I was faced with a choice: Sega Genesis or Super Nintendo. There was no way my parents were going to buy me both, so I had to make the hard decision. I went with Genesis, and was very happy with my choice. Still, there was reason enough to yearn for a Super Nintendo. That reason was Zelda: A Link to the Past. Though I was predominately a Genesis guy during those years, I scraped and saved so that I could buy my own Super Nintendo later on down the line. Fortunately, by that point, you could get a Super NES packaged with none-other than this very game. What luck!
Though the original NES Zelda was magnificent, it just can’t compare to this game. The graphics and sound were amazing, the whole “light/dark world” thing provided what was essentially two games in one and the numerous dungeons and equipment were fantastic. Hell, the hook shot alone was enough to make this game a classic.
But what really helps this game stand out is the ending. For years, I’d powered through dozens of games, eventually reaching the end. Was there any fanfare? Was there any parade to celebrate all of my hard work? Were there any topless chicks to run in out of nowhere and kiss me? No. Usually just a quick conclusion screen and the words “The End…Thanks for Playing!” But that didn’t happen with Zelda: A Link to the Past. When you got to the ending of this game, you were treated to a long, drawn out conclusion that made you feel as if you were the most important video game player that God ever put down on this earth. By the time I saw Link going to put the Master Sword back in its proper place, I’d given serious thought to running for president. I’ve never gotten that sense of accomplishment from a video game before or since. Thank you, Zelda: A Link to the Past.
15. Batman: Hush (2002)
What’s this? Something relatively new on my list of important pop culture events in my life? Yeah, it’s Batman’s Hush storyline. This thing could have been a disaster. But, thankfully, it was handled in a just-about-perfect manner. On top of Jim Lee’s always-competent artwork, Hush was a storyline that thrived by giving the World’s Greatest Detective something that he’d been lacking in recent years: an honest-to-god mystery.
On top of all that, it was actually able to incorporate the majority of Batman’s Rogues Gallery into the story in a way that doesn’t seem forced. Even Superman shows up and doesn’t leave you scratching your head as to why the hell’s he’s hanging around.
Another thing that made Hush so enjoyable for me was that it made Batman seem vulnerable. In previous years, I’d gotten so used to the idea of him being an unbeatable badass that some of the thrill and danger seemed to have been removed from Batman’s adventures. Hush brought all of that back and really made Batman a character worth following in the comics again.
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And there they are. The fifteen things in pop culture that have worked the hardest to make me the person I am today. And who is that person? Apparently, it’s a guy who spends his free time looking back on toy lines and movies that are almost 30 years old. There were lots of other strong contenders for the list: Super Powers, Thundercats, Voltron, the Fall Guy, etc. Trust me, I could make a list of 100 items without skipping a beat. But who wants to read all that crap? These fifteen things are at the top of the heap for me.
I thank the stars that I was able to grow up in the time period that I did. Sure, there was cool stuff before and after my childhood, but pop culture had never hit its stride so well than when I was a kid. So, to all of you who grew up a generation later than me, I say “HA! Look what you missed out on, assholes!” Now it’s time for me to go back over this list and find out what led to my consistent displays of directionless pettiness…
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