Toy Reviews: DCUC Creeper

For the most part, I’m a strong supporter of Mattel’s DC Universe Classics figures. Despite what others might say, I think Mattel delivers amazing additions to this line 99% of the time. That’s why I don’t have (much of) a problem paying the high prices and spending day after day searching these things down at retail. But recently, I was extremely disappointed in what could have been an awesome toy…The Creeper.

Now, the Creeper should have been a great figure. He’s unique enough to stand out, features bright, eye-catching colors, and sports stylish striped green underwear. It sounds like a cinch for the perfect addition to wave 16. I’m gonna try to be as objective as possible, so I’ll start with the Creeper’s good points.

Let’s see…good points…good points…Okay, I’ve got some. First off, his paint is very nicely done. Mattel did a wonderful job bringing forth the Creeper’s bright red, green, and yellow color scheme. Every color seems the appropriate shade, and there even seems to be a bit of depth the yellow of the body and the red of the boots and gloves. Mattel also did a nice job with a lot of the detail work. The black lines on the Creeper’s green undies are painted on flawlessly (at least on my figure). Additionally, he’s got individually painted teeth, which add a lot to the head.


I’m also a fan of the Creeper’s arm/hand articulation. I usually don’t go too ga-ga over the double-hinged elbows/knees, but it really works on the Creeper’s elbows and allows for some crazy arm poses that are appropriate for the character. Likewise, he’s got ball-jointed swivel wrists, with allow for a lot more movement. Unfortunately, this nice articulation doesn’t carry down to the Creeper’s legs. This leads to the first of my complaints about him.

What the fuck is up with these legs? The Creeper’s got double-hinged knee joints, which sounds great in theory. However, because they’re so low on his legs, the bottom knee joint runs right into the black fur coming off of the Creeper’s boots. The result? You can only use the top knee joint, which bends about 70 degrees. Don’t expect to have him do any realistic crouching poses. About the best you can hope for is an “Elvis passed out on the toilet”-type of pose. He’ll be stiff and straight-legged forever…at least, I can’t get him to do anything interesting.

And that’s another gripe I have. This guy just seems too tall and lanky. Now, the Creeper’s certainly not a chubby character, but I wouldn’t go so far as to assign a Joker-like physique to him either. Mattel sculpted the Creeper as a tall, gangly guy who looks like he could serve as a jaundiced stand-in for Lincoln. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could get him in a Spider-Man-ish crouching pose to hide things a little bit, but it can’t be done. So I’m stuck with this big, yellow stick of a super hero just standing there taking up space.


And taking up space, that’s another thing about this guy that bugs me. Part of the Creeper’s trademark look is the big, red boa that he wears on his back like a tail. It’s nicely sculpted here, with lots of detail. However, it kind of pokes out in the back like a hairy tail. This may not seem like a big deal, but it effectively means that the Creeper ends up taking up a lot of space behind him. It may not bother most folks, but it really gets on my nerves.



My last problem with this figure is his eyes. When I first saw the prototype images for the Creeper, he seemed to have one big eye. It made him look like some sort of yellow drunk and I was glad to see that it didn’t carry over into the finished product. What did happen on the finished product was that the Creeper ended up with narrow, cat-like pupils. It may not sound like a big deal, but it looks pretty bad in my opinion. I can see what Mattel was going for – sort of a maniacal, crazy-eyed appearance. But it just didn’t work in this case. It’s a shame, too, because it’s obvious that Mattel put a LOT of work into the paint on his face. Why not just give him regular, round pupils? Oh well. This is probably another one of those nitpicky things that won’t bother most people.

All and all, I have to say that I’m pretty disappointed in this figure. I think the main reason is that he could have been SO great. A well-executed Creeper figure would have been one of the standout pieces in the DCUC line. Instead, I’m stuck with a skinny, yellow madman who will forever occupy the back row of my DCUC display. If you’re trying to complete the (awesome) Bane Collect & Connect figure for this wave, then you’ll need a Creeper. But if you’re not after the C&C part, you can definitely pass on this piece of crap.

With this being a pretty negative review, I do feel sort of a need to end it on a positive note. It’s true, the Creeper’s no treat to own. However, the rest of wave 16 is OUTSTANDING. I guess that one stinker in the bunch is a small price to pay for a set of figures that is otherwise perfect.

Pointless Toy Comparisons: Vintage Star Wars vs. Power of the Force 2 (Series 1)

Nowadays, you can’t walk down a toy aisle without seeing some new Star Wars stuff jumping out at you. But, in the dark days between 1985 and 1994, toy shelves were pretty much devoid of Star Wars action figures. Can you believe that? In a world where Star Wars won’t turn down ANY chance to market itself, there was about a 10-year gap of absolutely NO Star Wars action figures. Sure, you might have gotten lucky in the late 80’s and run across a Rancor Keeper or something in a dinged-up package, but that was about it. In fact, by the early 90’s, people were so ravenous for Star Wars figures that they were actually getting jazzed up whenever a new series of Star Wars Bendy figures came out (I’m not kidding, folks).

That’s why, when Kenner announced that they were redoing Star Wars figures for 1995, everyone in the toy world went FUCKING CRAZY. I can still remember looking at the same fuzzy prototype images of these first nine figure over and over. While the first four vehicles (the Millennium Falcon, X-Wing Fighter, TIE Fighter, and Landspeeder) were going to be slightly retooled and repainted versions of the originals, the actual figures were going to be all new. What joy it was going to be to see our favorite toys redone with (then) state-of-the-art toy making technology. Everyone was foaming at the mouth, preparing to buy cases of the guys in the hopes that they would be as desirable and valuable as their predecessors (I’m ashamed to say, I was among that crowd).

Once these guys finally hit toy shelves, the results were…mixed. Some of the figures were definite improvements on the originals. Others left a lot to be desired. In some cases, the original 70’s and 80’s figures even appeared to be superior to their 1995 counterparts. What I’m going to do here is run through a figure-by-figure comparison of the first series of1995 Power of the Force 2 (POTF2) figures against their vintage counterparts. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Isn’t this all irrelevant, given that most of these figures have had a dozen resculpts by now? Sure, it’s irrelevant. It’s irrelevant as hell. But irrelevant trips down memory lane are my bread and butter.

Luke Skywalker

First up is Luke Skywalker in his classic white farmboy attire. In the 70’s and 80’s, there wasn’t a boy in America who didn’t own this figure (except the poor kids, I guess). With his white shirt, tan pants, and telescoping lightsaber feature, he set the standard for Star Wars figures at the time. But how did his POTF2 counterpart hold up? Let’s do a comparison.

As far as likenesses go, it’s a tough call. All of the evidence I’ve seen shows me that Mark Hamill must be one of the toughest likenesses to capture in toy form. To this day, I’ve never seen a really dead-on likeness (even after literally hundreds of Luke figures have been produced). The original came in two variations: platinum blonde hair and (later) a darker, more realistic brownish hair. Hair color appears to be about where it begins and ends as far as likenesses go. There’s nothing in the vintage figures actual facial structure to show a resemblance to Mark Hamill. So the POTF2 figure must have automatically been better, right? Not necessarily. The POTF2 figure features a more realistic hair color and a more accurate hairstyle, so he gets points for that. But the face, though as…unconventional…as Mark Hamill’s, really isn’t that great of a likeness. Still, since the POTF2 figure at least tries to capture Mark Hamill’s looks with a bit more enthusiasm, I guess I’ve got to give likeness points to the 1995 version.

The body sculpt was a big issue back in 1995. You couldn’t talk to anyone without them bitching and moaning about the POTF2 Luke being too “buff”. And it was true. With his wide stance, giant hands, and heaving chest, the POTF2 Luke looked like he could bench about 500lbs easy. The vintage figure has a much more realistic body sculpt and, even though it might not have been as detailed as the POTF2 version, I’m going to have to give the vintage one points in this area.

The last major area of comparison between these two figures is the accessories. The vintage Luke’s only accessory was a removable lightsaber that could telescope in and out of his hollow arm. At the time, this was a cool feature (also sported on Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Kenobi) that provided me with hours of play as a kid. The only problem was that it had three major drawbacks. First off, even when fully retracted into Luke’s arm, the vintage sabers had an annoying little thin piece of plastic that permanently stuck out of the hand. For me, this was easily remedied by accidentally breaking this piece of plastic off. It made things look better when Luke’s saber was retracted, but it gave him an embarrassingly short lightsaber when it came time to get down to business (the same thing happened with my vintage Vader and Obi-Wan figures). Another issue was the color. Yellow? When the hell did Luke ever have a yellow lightsaber? I guess that Kenner just wanted to offer a little more color variety in lightsaber choices back in the day, but this still eats at me. A third and final problem is that, at least in this costume, Luke barely ever used a lighsaber. Since his unoccupied left hand wasn’t much good for holding things, this meant that a vintage Luke was ALWAYS stuck using a lightsaber and could never get into any good blaster fights. The POTF2 version improved these issues immensely. No longer was Luke permanently condemned to be wielding a stubby yellow lightsaber. The POTF2 lightsaber (cast in translucent blue plastic with a painted silver hilt) was a more traditional accessory and could be removed from his hands whenever you wanted. He also came with a blast-…oh wait. It’s a silver grappling hook gun. When the hell did Luke ever use a grappling hook gun? Oh well, extra accessories are always nice and this one doesn’t create any problems. I suppose it was a nod to the famous Death Star bridge-swinging scene.

WINNER: POTF2 Luke Skywalker. So, as far as Luke Skywalker is concerned, I’ve got to give it to the POTF2 version. Yeah, the body leaves a bit to be desired, but the (slightly) improved head sculpt and improved accessorization put him over the top as winner. Still, the POTF2 Luke was only marginally better than his vintage counterpart. Let’s see how Han Solo fared…

Han Solo

Next up is the trilogy’s other male lead hero, Han Solo. Now, I was really hoping for a great update of Han when these figures came out. The vintage Han Solo was a sad little thing, with a skinny body, weird pose, and two (count ‘em, two) badly-sculpted head variations. So how does this all break down? Let’s see.

The original vintage Han Solo came with a tiny little head that did little to capture Harrison Ford’s unique visage. An eventual new sculpt tried to remedy this issue. The “improved” Han Solo DID have a better likeness of Harrison Ford, but Kenner had overcompensated for the previous version’s tiny head by giving this 2nd version an absolutely HUGE noggin. Neither was preferable. The POTF2 version at least looks something like Harrison Ford, and doesn’t look out of place on the body. So, for me, this one’s easy. POTF2 Han all the way in the likeness department.

As far as the body goes, the POTF2 Han had the same “buffness” issues that Luke suffered from. Fortunately, due to Han’s outfit, it isn’t as noticeable. Neither the vintage nor POTF2 versions really hit the mark as far as the body sculpts went, but I’m going to have to give it to the POTF2 version. At least he’s got more detail, a better paintjob, and doesn’t suffer from that permanent weird right hand position. It should be noted, however, that the POTF2 figure was too big to comfortably fit in the Millennium Falcon cockpit with Chewbacca. WTF, Kenner?

Finally, we come to accessories. The vintage Han comes with a damn-near perfect Han Solo blaster. It’s got a great sculpt and is in terrific scale with the rest of the figure. On the POTF2 Han, he also came with a nicely sculpted blaster. However, the damn thing’s just too big. Kenner even threw in a bonus big blaster rifle for the POTF2 version, but it’s not enough to win me over. So, for accessories, the winner is the vintage Han.

WINNER: POTF2 Han Solo. All and all, the POTF2 Han was a slight improvement over the vintage figure. Still, he was really only an improvement due to the original figure’s failings. So far, the POTF2 figures were shaping up to be only slightly better than their 70’s counterparts. How did things stack up against a really well done vintage figure? Let’s see.

C-3PO

The vintage C-3PO is a classic figure. He’s got an incredibly detailed sculpt and featured the droid’s famous shiny gold paintjob (through the magic of vac-metalized plastic). At the time of the POTF2 figures’ release, the vintage Threepio could still hold his own as a formidable figure. Apparently, Kenner thought so too. The POTF2 C-3PO was slightly delayed by a few months, meaning that 1995 collectors still had to make due with their vintage Threepios for a bit longer.

Though the vintage C-3PO had a nicely sculpted body, the POTF2 version was even better. No longer sporting the film-inaccurate “straight arm” posed of the vintage figure, the POTF2 Threepio had his arms sculpted in the “cocked” pose most often seen in the movies. Another nice little touch on the POTF2 version was the wiring in Threepio’s stomach. On the vintage C-3PO, this had been a blank area with no sculpting or paint applications. For the POTF2 release, Kenner sculpted all sorts of little wires in there and did a nice job painting them. The only complaint I ever really heard about the POTF2 figure was that his head was a bit small. I tend to agree with that, but it’s not that big of a deal in my mind. All and all, I’d say the POTF2 C-3PO had it all over his vintage counterpart.

WINNER: POTF2 C-3PO. Since neither version of Threepio came with any accessories, all we have to judge them by is their sculpt and paintjob. The vintage figure is still great, but I’ve got to place the POTF2 version in the winner’s circle due to the improvements instituted by Kenner. There you have it, the first definitive win of a POTF2 figure over his vintage counterpart.

R2-D2

How could you compare C-3PO and then not follow right up with R2-D2 (the same way you could do Han Solo and not follow right up with Chewbacca, I guess)? The vintage Artoo is a bit of a conundrum for me. He’s certainly archaic, but still retains a lot of charm. It’s time to get heart-breakingly objective.

The vintage R2-D2’s head/dome sculpt is nowhere near film-accurate. Just look at it…it’s just a random jumble of circles. Someone at Kenner wasn’t taking their time back in the 70’s. The POTF2 Artoo was vastly improved in this regard, with a head/dome sculpt that was much more true to the film. Another issue is Artoo’s “body.” Instead of sculpted details on his body, the vintage R2-D2 just got a sticker slapped on him. Cost saving? Yes. Lame? Definitely. Again, the POTF2 version thrived, with a well-sculpted body full of panels and whatnot.

So there it is, right? The POTF2 R2-D2 has a better head/dome AND a better body. But that’s not all! The POTF2 R2-D2 had another little feature that the vintage version can’t offer – a retractable third leg! This was a welcome addition to R2-D2 figures in 1995, with the only vintage Artoo to have a third leg being the hard-to-find “droid factory” version from the 70’s. Finally, we had an R2-D2 that could waddle around on two legs, or shoot out that third leg and really get cruising.

WINNER: POTF2 R2-D2. It breaks my heart to declare the vintage R2-D2 a loser, since he’s one of my favorite figures from the original line. But, in all respects, the POTF2 version was a clear improvement. It looks like the POTF2 figures were shaping up to be a clean-sweep in the improvements department, right? Wrong. Let’s talk about Princess Leia…

Princess Leia Organa

Princess Leia was probably the most infamous figure of the original 9 POTF2 releases. Like C-3PO, she was delayed quite a bit before her release. Add to this the (oftentimes artificial) premium placed on female figures at that time, and you had a recipe for hype. We were all excited to find the POTF2 Leia. That is, until we actually laid eyes on her.

As far as likeness goes, the vintage figure is the winner. And it’s not even because it’s such a great likeness. In fact, it doesn’t look much like Carrie Fisher at all. But, look at the two figures side by side. Vintage Leia: Pleasant expression, great sculpting on the hair, HUMAN appearance, attractive features. POTF2 Leia: grimacing expression and a decidedly more baboon-like facial sculpt. Given that the vintage version at least appears to be of the same species as Carrie Fisher, she gets the gold in the likeness department.

Now onto the body. Neither is perfect. The vintage Leia was hampered by technological constraints of the time, which lead to some inaccurate concessions when it came time to design the figure. Gone was Leia’s flowing gown. Instead, the vintage Leia was now sporting flared pants and a white vinyl cape in an attempt to mimic the character’s costume. It should have been pretty easy to improve on that in almost 20 years of technological advancement, right? Well…almost. The POTF2 version made more of an effort to capture Leia’s film look. She’s still got poseable legs. However, overtop of those legs is a plastic skirt that fits over her waist. As long as the skirt is attached, you’ve got a pretty fair wardrobe likeness of Leia’s screen portrayal. She’s still working the cape, though, which mystifies me. Leia’s clearly got a little hood hanging off the back of her dress in the movies. Why is everyone at Kenner clinging to the idea that she’s wearing a cape? Anyway, the plastic cape clips onto the POTF2 Leia’s neck, if you want to put it on there. So the POTF2 version is the clear winner in the body department, right? Wrong. I’ve got to make this one a tie. The vintage Leia has a better-designed body. She can stand on her own and the overall pose and appearance is pleasing to the eye. The POTF2 Leia, however, has trouble standing without assistance. Plus, have you ever taken that skirt off? It looks like she’s getting ready to pee her pants for some online fetish website or something. Both have their good points, and both have their flaws, so it’s a tie.

So let’s look at these accessories. As I’ve already mentioned, the vintage Leia came with a vinyl cape. It did the job in the 70’s, but the vinyl cape just doesn’t work these days. The plastic cape and skirt included with the POTF2 Leia, though it can hamper her movement somewhat, are a bit better. In the weapons department, the vintage Leia suffers again. There’s nothing wrong with her little Leia blaster, but it just can’t compare to the sculpting on the POTF2 Leia’s. Also, just for good measure, Kenner threw in an unnecessary blaster rifle for the POTF2 Leia (one starts to wonder why Kenner thought we needed all these extra weapons that weren’t seen in the movies). I’ve got to give it to the POTF2 Leia with respect to accessories.

WINNER: VINTAGE LEIA. Yeah, I know, technically it’s a 1:1:1 tie. But these aren’t the goddamn Olympics. The vintage Leia is just a more attractive figure overall. She’s not perfect, but she’s a lot closer to perfect than the POTF2 monkey Leia when you take in the overall package. So here is our first case of a vintage figure whipping up on the POTF2 release (albeit, with a bit of help from my feelings of nostalgia). But how will things fare when we start getting into Wookie country?

Chewbacca

The vintage Chewbacca, like R2-D2, is one of my favorite vintage figures. He’s got a certain charm. Just look at that jolly face. Who couldn’t be disarmed by his winning smile? But, I fear, just like Artoo, the vintage Chewie is likely to bite the dust when compared to his POTF2 counterpart.

As much as I like the original Chewbacca’s head, I really have to give more points to the POTF2 one. It’s more expressive, more detailed, and closer to Chewbacca’s screen visage. He looks appropriately menacing without falling victim to that 90’s/00’s cliché of making everyone look angry and hostile for no reason (*cough* Star Wars: Unleashed *cough*). While it pains me to say it, the POTF2 Chewbacca wins this round.

Now for an examination of the rest of Chewbacca. The vintage Chewie was nicely detailed, with well-sculpted fur throughout the entire body. Even his bandolier and tool belt were well designed. However, Kenner put a bit more work into the POTF2 Chewie. His sculpt picks up where the vintage Chewbacca left off and takes it even further. Still, I might be able to give this round to the vintage Chewie if it weren’t for one thing: paint applications. The vintage Chewbacca is brown. Nothing wrong with that, Chewie’s brown, the vintage figure is brown, no harm done. It was fine in the 70’s. However, the POTF2 Chewbacca goes the extra mile, adding different tones of paint to simulate the more colorful palette of brown that was used in the film. Also, one of the major paint failings of the vintage Chewbacca was that his bandolier wasn’t painted an individual shade of brown to set it apart from his body. The POTF2 version makes up for this, which is enough to make him the winner of this round as well.

Finally, accessories. No one will argue that the vintage Chewbacca’s bowcaster is one of the most detailed action figure accessories of the time. It’s really, really well done. But, at the risk of being repetitive, the POTF2 Chewbacca’s bowcaster is every bit as good as the original’s, only better. It’s still not 100% movie accurate, but it comes far closer than the vintage figure’s. Throw in the obligatory extra gun, and the POTF2 Chewbacca wins this final round by a mile.

WINNER: POTF2 CHEWBACCA. This one’s a heartbreaker, as I love the vintage Chewie. But, you can’t argue with the facts (and, as the formula goes: “my opinions” = “facts”). The POTF2 Chewbacca is just a stronger figure. Vintage Chewie can take some solace in the fact that he’s not at all a bad figure. It’s just that everything that was good about him was improved upon by the POTF2 Chewbacca. Also, the vintage Chewie can fit into the Millennium Falcon cockpit. That’s one thing he’ll always have over the POTF2 version. Now that we’ve covered one predominately brown figure, let’s see what’s happening in Obi-Wan Kenobi’s neck of the woods (man…is that the lamest segue ever, or what?).

Ben “Obi-Wan” Kenobi

Let me start off by saying that I’ve never liked either one of these figures too much. As a result, this comparison will be 100% objective. The original Obi-Wan Kenobi is a pretty weak figure, even by 70’s standards. He’s got the same cool telescoping lightsaber feature as Luke, (with the same inherent problems), but that’s about where his charm begins and ends. Likewise, the POTF2 version was one of the more disappointing figures of the first series and carried with him his own brand of issues. Let’s get right down to it.

For the head sculpts, I have to give it to the vintage Obi-Wan. The vintage figure was actually released with two hair colors. The white haired version (which came first) is slightly better than the later gray haired version (in my opinion). You can look at this guy and be reasonably sure it’s Obi-Wan Kenobi. The POTF2 version, on the other hand, kind of just looks like a slightly chubby old man. Way to go, vintage Obi-Wan, you’ve got the head sculpt portion of this comparison in the bag.

As for the bodies, this is a toughie. The vintage Obi-Wan is skinny, which is fine for a figure based on Sir Alec Guinness. But he’s almost too skinny. As a kid, I was rarely driven to play with Obi-Wan. Who wants to be the skinny, dead old man? Like the vintage Leia, Kenner tried to mimic Obi-Wan’s robe feature by giving him legs that appear to be robes when you place them side-by-side (and squint really hard). At least Kenner did have the foresight to give Obi-Wan the ability to hold something in his non-lightsaber hand (though what he would hold is beyond me). By the time the POTF2 figure rolled around, Kenner had opted to give him poseable legs underneath a one-piece robe setup. To be fair, it actually does a pretty good job creating a somewhat 3-dimensional representation of Obi-Wan’s costume without sacrificing articulation. One downside is that the figure has a great deal of trouble standing up on his own. Good thing he’s got that front half of his robes to lean in on. Another bright point of the POTF2 Obi-Wan is that he’s got a removable lightsaber, leaving his hands free if desired. And, finally, the POTF2 Obi-Wan has it all over his vintage counterpart when it comes to paint applications. There’s MUCH more attention to detail and film accuracy here. Sorry, my vintage friend. The cheese goes to the POTF2 Obi-Wan, here.

And now we come to accessories. As far as lightsabers go, the POTF2 Obi-Wan has it all over the vintage one. Like Luke, the POTF2 Obi-Wan had a translucent blue lightsaber with a silver painted hilt. It’s far superior to the stubby extending saber sported on the vintage figure. I’ve got to go with the POTF2 version when it comes to the robes as well. They may not be done perfectly, but they’re a damn sight better than the vintage Obi-Wan’s vinyl cape.

WINNER: POTF2 OBI-WAN KENOBI. Another win for the POTF2 figures. Honestly, I really can’t recommend either the vintage or the POTF2 Obi-Wan as great figures. But, if you’re stuck with one, you’re better off with the POTF2 version. And what of Obi-Wan’s evil counterpart? Can the vintage Dark Lord of the Sith stand up to the POTF2 version? This one should be fairly obvious, but let’s waste some time analyzing it anyway…

Darth Vader

He’s the biggest badass in the galaxy. He’s tall, wears black, has breathing problems, and can choke a bitch from across the room. So why did he get such a crappy figure in the 70’s? The vintage Darth Vader figure always got my goat as a kid. Sure, he was okay. But I wanted a big, threatening Darth Vader. What I got was a Vader figure that just seemed…off. The POTF2 version was a welcome improvement, and finally gave me the badass Darth Vader figure I’d been waiting my entire life for.

There’s no real “likeness” in the faces, just representations of Vader’s helmet and mask. But this round’s an easy win for the POTF2 Darth Vader. Whereas the vintage Vader’s helmet seems “smooshed in” around the facial area, the POTF2 version doesn’t take any prisoners. The breathing apparatus on his mask juts out from his helmet like…well, I could really insert any dirty reference I wanted to in here. Also, the silver tips on the end of the POTF2 Vader’s mask are painted. Not so on the vintage figure. Sorry vintage Vader, you lose this round!

Take one look at the pictures and tell me who you think wins in the body department. The vintage Darth Vader is just scrawny…there’s no other way to describe it. I’ll give Kenner credit for making a strong effort in the detail sculpting on this figure, but he’s just too skinny. The POTF2 Vader is appropriately beefy, looking like he could hurl a tree at you with no problem. He’s also got two free hands, while the vintage figure is saddled down with one permanently-lightsaber-wielding hand and another “karate chop” hand (after all, he was sculpted at the tail end of the kung-fu craze). Another plus in the POTF2 Vader’s camp is the paintjob. Whereas the vintage Vader was completely flat black, the POTF2 Vader alternates flat and gloss black areas to simulate armor and make the figure “pop” a bit more. Add the much more detailed chest box on the POTF2 figure and the vintage Vader gets scorched into oblivion on yet another round.

And then there’s accessories. I won’t bore you with another explanation of the lightsaber thing. The POTF2 Vader’s is better, case closed. As for the capes, the vintage Vader finds himself lacking yet again. Those vinyl capes just can’t hold up to the plastic capes on the POTF2 figures (though I prefer cloth capes when I have a choice). You win again, POTF2 Vader.

WINNER: POTF2 DARTH VADER. This one’s a landslide. The POTF2 Darth Vader is one of the best among the first series of POTF2 figures, if not THE best. He’s a real beauty, and kicks all kinds of ass when compared to his pug-faced vintage counterpart. We’re almost done…just a Stormtrooper comparison to go!

Stormtrooper

Ahh…who doesn’t have fond memories of stumbling across your vintage Stormtrooper and being horrified to discover that he’s turned a sickly shade of yellow? That was par for the course with these guys. But I’m not comparing these figures based on the chemical composition of their plastic. Like any other good American, I’m basing my decisions purely on appearance. Let’s get to it!

The vintage Stormtrooper figure is one of those immediately recognizable sculpts, and a large part of that is due to the helmet. It’s well sculpted, no doubt about it. Kenner really took their time getting into every nook and cranny during the creation of this figure. The only major drawback is the articulation, or lack thereof. The POTF2 Stormtrooper takes care of this, finally giving Stormtrooper figures the ability to look sideways (though it still isn’t enough to improve their legendary bad aim). This one’s a real toughie. I prefer the appearance of the vintage Stormtrooper head, but I like the poseability of the POTF2 Stormtrooper’s head. In the end, I’ll give it to the vintage Stormtrooper. It just feels a tad more Stormtroopery to me.

As far as the bodies go, it’s another tough race. Both are quite detailed and striking. Where the vintage Stormtrooper suffers is his stiffness. He just kinda stands there. While I’m not a big fan of pre-posed figures, I find that the POTF2 Stormtrooper has enough little touches to give his pose just the right amount of character. I guess what I’m trying to say is, you win this round, POTF2 Stormtrooper.

Accessorization is a no-brainer. The vintage Stormtrooper’s blaster, while a classic, isn’t nearly as film-accurate as the one included with the POTF2 version. And, because no one demanded it, the POTF2 Stormtrooper also comes with yet another big gun we never saw in the movie. I find it confusing why, after seeing Stormtroopers carry two distinct types of big guns in Episode IV, we got this third blaster rifle that was never seen on screen. Oh well, the POTF2 Stormtrooper takes home the accessories award.

WINNER: POTF2 STORMTROOPER. This one falls into the same realm as Chewbacca. There’s really nothing wrong with the vintage Stormtrooper. In fact, he’s better than the POTF2 version in some regards. But, for my money, the POTF2 Stormtrooper just hits a little closer to the mark.

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Well I’ll be damned! Of the nine POTF2 figures, only one couldn’t overcome their vintage counterpart. I guess this comparison WAS relevant and useful, if only to me. Until taking an objective, step-by-step look at these guys, I’d always assumed it would turn out to be about 50/50.

Now don’t take this as a ringing endorsement for the first series of POTF2 figures over their vintage counterparts. There were many close calls (Chewbacca and the Stormtrooper, for example). And, despite me having ruled 8 of the 9 POTF2 figures as superior, I’ll take the vintage ones any day. That’s just the power of nostalgia at work.

By today’s standards, pretty-much all of these first series POTF2 figures are archaic. It seems like each one has been redone about 75 times by this point (that may not even be that much of an exaggeration for some of these characters!). But, think back to 1995. I can still recall the thrill of seeing Star Wars figures back on the shelves for the first time since the 80’s. I can still remember the burst of excitement (and immediate disappointment) when I finally tracked down Leia. Star Wars was back! And, though the folks in charge have made some questionable decisions along the way, it doesn’t look like it’ll be going away for another 10-year dry spell like it did before.

If you weren’t around in 1995, or weren’t collecting, you probably can’t see the appeal of these POTF2 figures. Hell, the same goes for the vintage figures. But it’s important to realize how much of an impact they had on the toy collecting world as we know it. No single toy line has ever been as hoarded by collectors looking to make a quick buck. You can probably thank the POTF2 line for reintroducing the market to the 3 ¾” scale too, since G.I. Joe wasn’t really pulling its weight at the time (I’m looking at you, Sgt. Savage and G.I. Joe: Extreme).

I’m just surprised that, in what I thought would be page after page of me pointing out the superiority of vintage Star Wars figures over their POTF2 counterparts, I was left so frequently singing the praises of these 1995 releases. Go figure…

A Pointless Look Back at the Top 15 Pop Culture Influences on My Life

Well, I'll be 30 years old in a few days. To be honest, it doesn’t bother me at all. I’m not one of those people who moans and groans about being in their thirties. I’ve accomplished pretty-much all I need to. And I’ve got a life full of top-shelf pop culture to look back on. Sure, there are plenty of good memories that relate to family and friends. But I was lucky enough to grow up in a time where pop culture was at its peak. And, to that end, I’ve decided to look back on what were the most influential pop culture phenomena of my life.

Basically, I’ve narrowed it down to the period between January of 1981 to today. There was a LOT of stuff to choose from. I had a tough time whittling it down to just a few. But, after a bit of time, I think I’ve managed to find the top 15 institutions of pop culture that have had the greatest effect on me. In no particular hierarchy of importance, here they are:

1. Masters of the Universe (1982)

We start with Masters of the Universe. It’s a timeless collection of barbarians, laser guns, and monsters. What could have easily been an incomprehensible mash-up turned into one of the greatest pulp culture phenomena of my generation. I can’t remember exactly when I was drawn into He-Man’s wacky adventures, but I can honestly say I’ll never stop being fascinated by them. Where else can you find an evil skeletal wizard, a talking green and yellow tiger, and a robotic elephant firefighter?

I don’t think any one toy line led to my parents buying me more crap than Masters of the Universe. In addition to the regular action figures, vehicles, and playsets, my bedroom was covered in Masters of the Universe posters, books, and even a talking He-Man toothbrush (well, okay, that particular item was in the bathroom).

There’s no denying that He-Man and his cronies had a lasting impact on me. I still can’t bring myself to trust ANY blue-skinned wizard with a skeleton face. Stereotyping? Sure…but if there’s anything I learned from watching hours of Masters of the Universe cartoons, it’s this: Skeletor’s a dick!

2. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

There’s a lot of Star Trek-related stuff that’s had an impact on me over the years. But I’d have to say that Star Trek II takes the cake. It’s one of the few Star Trek films that a non-Trekkie can watch and enjoy without feeling ashamed of themselves. It’s also the only instance where Captain Kirk actually follows up on one of his past hump-a-thons with some random chick and meets one of his (probably) hundreds of illegitimate children.

Star Trek II’s got it all: wicked-bad space battles, Ricardo Montalban’s prosthetic chest piece, suspenseful storytelling, and, of course, the death of Spock. Sure, we all know he came right back in Star Trek III, but it still threatens to bring a tear to my eye every time I watch Kirk giving Spock’s eulogy at the end of Wrath of Khan.

I watch Star Trek II at least once a month and enjoy it every time. There’s just something magical about it. Star Trek: The (Slow) Motion Picture may have been the first Trek film, but Wrath of Khan is where it all began.

3. G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero (1982)

G.I. Joe had been around since 1964, albeit in 12-inch form. But, in 1982, we got G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero. THIS was the G.I. Joe of my generation! Literally hundreds of 3 ¾” figures littered my toy collection throughout my childhood and introduced me to many of the concepts and customs of military life (90% of what I know about the military comes from G.I. Joe and M*A*S*H…sad, isn’t it?).

G.I. Joe could have just been some flash-in-the-pan quickie resurgence of a 60’s classic, but instead prospered. The toys were absolutely addictive, and were at a price point that I could usually beg my parents into consistently buying me figure after figure after figure. Like many boys of my generation, I spent hours in backyard dirt campaigns and thrilling bed-top sea battles, (when I had my blue sheets on the bed, that is). Some of my most enjoyable childhood memories consist of planning and building my own shitty cardboard Cobra bases (which always seemed to center around a giant, crudely drawn spinning Cobra emblem for some reason…).

The characters still have a lasting impact on me. General Hawk taught me what it’s like to be a good leader. Snake Eyes taught me to always try to be the best you can be, no matter how badly life shits on you, and Cobra Commander taught me that even a deranged used car salesman can grow to be the leader of a powerful terrorist organization.

4. Mr. T

There have been a lot of important role models in my life, both on a celebrity and personal level. But none stand above the impact of Mr. T. I know what you’re thinking…I’m just shooting for comedy. No sir. Mr. T is the reason for most of the good aspects of my personality. And why is that? He has, and always will, terrify me into being a good person.

Why do I drink milk? Because Mr. T said to. Why do I treat my mother with respect? Because Mr. T said to. Why do I cut out the jibber-jabber? Because Mr. T said to. As a kid, I lived in constant fear that, if I didn’t act right, Mr. T would bust through my wall like the Kool-Aid Man and kick my ass.

Nowadays, I don’t live in a constant state of fear of Mr. T. But I still live my life according to many of his teachings. And it’s not just about drinking milk and treating my momma right. It’s about trying my hardest when things aren’t looking so good, not letting other people push me around, and looking out for the people I love. There aren’t too many celebrities I’d REALLY like to meet, but I’d die a happy man if I could shake Mr. T’s hand and thank him for his fear-induced tutelage.

5. Transformers (1984)

Transformers is another toy line that’s had a ridiculously lasting impact on me. The thing is, I didn’t have too many Transformers toys as a kid. They were just too damned expensive when weighed against G.I. Joes or Masters of the Universe figures (remember, I was a kid with no income…my only means of procuring stuff was through a barrage of begging and the occasional guilt trip).

But even if I couldn’t have all the Transformers toys that I’d wanted, nothing could stop me from sitting in front of the T.V. taking in hours of Transformers cartoons. I don’t know what it was about them, but they always seemed absolutely epic. At the height of their popularity, I firmly believed that I would be missing out on something of god-like proportions if I didn’t catch each and every episode. You can’t get brand loyalty like THAT anymore!

Over the years, I’ve come to realize just how much of an impact Transformers had on me. Specifically, Optimus Prime. Yeah, he’s just a robot. But, ironically, he represents the best humanity has to offer. I’d be lying if I said I lived up to his standards, but it’s something to shoot for.

6. Calvin and Hobbes (1985)

Not all great comics have to involve super heroes. Case in point: Calvin and Hobbes. There aren’t many newspaper comic strips that I actually find to be consistently funny. Even a good Far Side cartoon loses its impact after a while. But Calvin and Hobbes is a timeless classic.

Ever since being introduced to the mischievous Calvin and his level headed talking stuffed tiger, Hobbes, I was immediately drawn into the strip. As a kid, I could read Calvin and Hobbes and really relate. I, too, was a young boy who spent his school day daydreaming about T-Rexes flying around in fighter jets. It was nice to know that there was someone else out there, albeit fictional, who wasted as much time as I did.

As an adult, I can still read panel after panel of Calvin and Hobbes cartoons and not feel as though it’s stale material. I still can’t get through the three-strip sombrero/Mickey Mouse pants/being cool arc without busting out laughing (if you’ve read it, you know what I’m talking about). There’ll always be a place in my heart for Calvin and Hobbes.

7. M.U.S.C.L.E. (1985)

Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere…never has an acronym been so accurate (well, actually, it was more like hundreds of them, but no one wants to buy H.U.S.C.L.E. toys). M.U.S.C.L.E. figures were an absolute phenomenon in the 80’s that you really had to be around to experience. They were the cheapest toys you could get and all but the strictest parents could be goaded into buying you at least one 4-pack of M.U.S.C.L.E. guys on a trip to the store. And once you had a few in your collection, these damn things became currency with your friends. A boy who owned the illustrious “Hand Guy” could literally trade it for anything he wanted.

If it’s not immediately obvious by looking at them, M.U.S.C.L.E. figures originated in Japan as part of the Kinnikuman manga/anime series. After learning that, I was busting a gut to get my hands on some of this Japanese source material and find out where my tiny little pink heroes came from. By the time I was in college and knew my way around the internet, I was able to track down some of this stuff through various websites. And what did I find? Like most Japanese forms of entertainment, it was fucking retarded. The manga comics were the worst type of pointless “humor” and the anime clips that I found, though delightfully violent, weren’t stimulating at all. Right then and there, I decided to forget about these guys’ Japanese roots and focus on how much I loved their American side.

And love them I did. I’ll still never forget the day I completed my set of 236 flesh-colored M.U.S.C.L.E. guys. I felt like a god amongst men. I still dream of owning every guy in all of his later day multiple color schemes, but that might never happen. Still, not a day goes by that I don’t appreciate these little guys. They’ve even gotten me out of speeding tickets. No lie. I got caught speeding by a cop once during a period when I kept a M.U.S.C.L.E. figure hanging from my rear-view mirror. When the cop came up to give me the business, he saw that fleshy pink wrestler hanging from my mirror, engaged me in a few minutes of small talk about them, and went on his merry way. Score! You can’t ask for much more than that from a 2” plastic wrestler.

8. Aliens (1986)

Man oh man…Aliens. One of the best sci-fi films ever made. Where do you start with this thing? It could have been crap…it could have just been a sequel that didn’t need to be made. But, instead, it may just have surpassed its predecessor in awesomeness.

Instead of one alien lurking in the shadows of a ship, we now get dozens of the damn things waiting around every corner. Plus, it introduced the Colonial Marines. Even though most of them get wiped out in their first few scenes, they still drip badassness. And the Alien Queen…goddamn, what an awesome “character!”

Aliens is another film that I religiously watch ever month or so. It takes me back to a simpler time when I could spend my Saturday evenings watching an old VHS copy of the film for the umpteenth time, waiting to see Paul Riser get his head caved in by an Alien’s inner-mouth-thingie. But, time presses on. Nowadays, I spend Saturday evenings watching a DVD copy over and over again. Progress…

9. Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (1986)

I’ll go on record right now saying that I hate, hate, HATE Frank Miller’s art. It’s not some artistic expression. It’s not “gritty realism.” It’s a mess. It’s the result of a lazy artist rushing through his work. There, I said it. The guy can’t draw worth a damn.

But the bastard can write. There’s hundreds of great Batman stories out there, but this one still stands out as one of the best. Batman’s at his best here: a crazy, mean old bastard that no one wants to have around. I’m also a big fan of the idea that the Joker’s life revolves around his conflicts with Batman. The way he gets a renewed sense of homicidal vigor with Batman’s resurgence is magnificent characterization.

Most of the Batman we know today can be attributed to two things: Dennis O’Neil and Neal Adams’ runs on the character, and The Dark Knight Returns. It brought back the idea of Batman as a terrifying figure of the night and was one of the first times we really got to see what draws the Joker into clash after clash with the Dark Knight.

10. Ferris Beuller’s Day Off (1986)

Here’s another can’t-miss film on the list: Ferris Beuller’s Day Off. What makes this film so great? It’s a play-by-play documentary on how to be a jerk-off. Sure, I work somewhat hard during the week, but on the weekends, I like to have my relaxation time. And there’s no better template for how to do that than Ferris Beuller’s adventure into laziness.

I’m a strong supporter of the film’s main theme: Sometimes, you’ve just gotta drop everything and slack off for the day. Thanks to Ferris Beuller’s tutelage, I now spend a significant portion of my yearly vacation just sitting on my couch decomposing. Whenever my best friend comes down to visit, it is absolutely required that we spend some time sitting around, drinking beer, eating wings, and watching Ferris Beuller’s Day Off. It’s truly a film that shows the beauty of being irresponsible, as well as the importance of scheduling all of your acts of irresponsibility accordingly so that you’re able to fit them all into your schedule.

Plus, there’re so many classic moments: the epic Ferrari jump, the equally epic Ferrari nosedive into the woods, and the downtown karaoke dance explosion. On my one-and-only trip to Chicago, I tried my damndest to do as many Ferris Beuller activities as possible. I even got yelled at by a guy at the Sears Tower for trying to do the head-on-the window thing. I couldn’t find anyone who would let me borrow their Ferrari, though…

11. Watchmen (1986)

I’ve read a lot of comic books. I’ve even read NFL Superpro #1. But I’ve never read a comic book series as rich and thought provoking as Watchmen. In a world full of comics showing super heroes leading relatively carefree lives catching bad guys, making wisecracks, and fighting aliens, Watchmen bucked the trend by brilliantly exploring what kind of impact that sort of life would have on a person. Essentially, it’s the closest thing we have to a depiction of what life would really be like with super heroes running around.

One of the things that makes it so great is the depth that it presents. In just twelve issues, Watchmen coherently covers decades. It even gives us little snippets of fictional autobiographies, psychiatric reports, and newspaper clippings that help us to believe that this is a real universe we’re reading about.

I can’t count how many times I’ve read Watchmen. What brings me back time and again? It’s the little things. Every time I read it, I catch something new. I find some little snippet of detail that helps me appreciate the series on a whole new level. I’d read this thing at least half-a-dozen times before I realized that the upcoming “Pale Horse” concert discussed throughout the book was a reference to the impending death faced by the citizens of New York at the book’s climax.

Plus, I just can’t get enough of Rorschach. It’s kind of unsettling to see how my views on the world get more and more similar to his with each passing year…

12. Mega Man 2 (1988)

I loved the original NES. I absolutely loved it. There are games for that system that I still find enjoyable today. But, of all the games for the original NES, none stood out like Mega Man 2. The first Mega Man game was okay. It’s a fun enough way to spend your time. But Mega Man 2? This bitch is video game greatness! From beginning to end, you’re treated to exciting graphics, engaging music, and challenge after challenge after challenge. But, despite the challenge, it’s a fair game. If you work hard enough at Mega Man 2, you can get through it (the same can’t be said for the frustratingly impossible and unfair sequel, Mega Man 3).

What’s weird about Mega Man 2 is that, despite it being my favorite NES game of all time, I never owned it. Instead, I begged my dad to rent it for me weekend after weekend, even after having beaten it a few times. I was just that hooked. You’d think my parents would have caught on and bought the damn thing for me instead of racking up $500 in rental fees, but that’s the way it goes sometimes.

To this day, I enjoy playing the game. Playing levels over and over to get power ups. Defeating the various well-designed robot bosses. Using the new powers you get after beating each level (even the useless Bubble Lead and Wood Shield). It’s all top-notch video game fun. Anyone who doesn’t place this game in their NES top 5 is severely under-educated about what makes a good video game.

13. X-Tinction Agenda (1990)

If you’re a reader of X-Men comics, you’ve read your fair share of crossovers. Sometimes, they’re okay. Most of the time, they’re unnecessary and confusing. But the king of all X-Book crossovers has GOT to be the X-Tinction Agenda. Running through the Uncanny X-Men, X-Factor, and New Mutants, (man, can you believe there was actually a time when there weren’t fifteen different mutant titles on the shelves), the X-Tinction Agenda was the thematic culmination of years of the bigotry and hatred aimed at mutants.

What I like about it is the immediate danger and desperation it places our heroes in. Most crossovers follow this formula: 1) A big bad guy does some big, bad thing, 2) A bunch of heroes rally around together to stop him, 3) There’s a big fight, 4) Somebody dies and everyone makes a big deal about it even though they know he/she will be brought back to life six issues later, 5) Everyone shakes hands and parts ways. But that’s not how it goes in the X-Tinction Agenda. Right from the start, we’re blasted with all sorts of uncertainty and unexpectedness. Havok comes out of nowhere and is now a mutant-hating Genoshan, Storm, Boom-Boom, Rictor, Wolfsbane, and Warlock are carted off to the island of Genosha as prisoners, Storm and Wolfsbane get transformed into zombie-like mutates, and Warlock dies. Pow! And that’s just in the first couple of chapters. What follows is the rag-tag efforts of all the remaining X-Men (and affiliates) to free their friends from the demented cyborg, Cameron Hodge. But, instead of the heroic all-out battle and victory we’re expecting, pretty-much everyone gets captured and tortured by Hodge. Even Wolverine appears to be down for the count after a forced battle with Archangel.

Sure, things end up okay in the end. Cyclops is able to smack some sense back into Havok, Storm and Wolfsbane are freed from their state of slavery, and most everyone gets to go home. But DAMN, what a story. It’s still refreshing to go back and read a relatively modest nine issue tale that tells a gripping story without relying on trendy, publicity-aimed “monumental events.” It’s still the standard by which I judge crossovers today, and probably always will be.

14. Zelda: A Link to the Past (1992)

After moving on from the original NES, I was faced with a choice: Sega Genesis or Super Nintendo. There was no way my parents were going to buy me both, so I had to make the hard decision. I went with Genesis, and was very happy with my choice. Still, there was reason enough to yearn for a Super Nintendo. That reason was Zelda: A Link to the Past. Though I was predominately a Genesis guy during those years, I scraped and saved so that I could buy my own Super Nintendo later on down the line. Fortunately, by that point, you could get a Super NES packaged with none-other than this very game. What luck!

Though the original NES Zelda was magnificent, it just can’t compare to this game. The graphics and sound were amazing, the whole “light/dark world” thing provided what was essentially two games in one and the numerous dungeons and equipment were fantastic. Hell, the hook shot alone was enough to make this game a classic.

But what really helps this game stand out is the ending. For years, I’d powered through dozens of games, eventually reaching the end. Was there any fanfare? Was there any parade to celebrate all of my hard work? Were there any topless chicks to run in out of nowhere and kiss me? No. Usually just a quick conclusion screen and the words “The End…Thanks for Playing!” But that didn’t happen with Zelda: A Link to the Past. When you got to the ending of this game, you were treated to a long, drawn out conclusion that made you feel as if you were the most important video game player that God ever put down on this earth. By the time I saw Link going to put the Master Sword back in its proper place, I’d given serious thought to running for president. I’ve never gotten that sense of accomplishment from a video game before or since. Thank you, Zelda: A Link to the Past.

15. Batman: Hush (2002)

What’s this? Something relatively new on my list of important pop culture events in my life? Yeah, it’s Batman’s Hush storyline. This thing could have been a disaster. But, thankfully, it was handled in a just-about-perfect manner. On top of Jim Lee’s always-competent artwork, Hush was a storyline that thrived by giving the World’s Greatest Detective something that he’d been lacking in recent years: an honest-to-god mystery.

On top of all that, it was actually able to incorporate the majority of Batman’s Rogues Gallery into the story in a way that doesn’t seem forced. Even Superman shows up and doesn’t leave you scratching your head as to why the hell’s he’s hanging around.

Another thing that made Hush so enjoyable for me was that it made Batman seem vulnerable. In previous years, I’d gotten so used to the idea of him being an unbeatable badass that some of the thrill and danger seemed to have been removed from Batman’s adventures. Hush brought all of that back and really made Batman a character worth following in the comics again.

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And there they are. The fifteen things in pop culture that have worked the hardest to make me the person I am today. And who is that person? Apparently, it’s a guy who spends his free time looking back on toy lines and movies that are almost 30 years old. There were lots of other strong contenders for the list: Super Powers, Thundercats, Voltron, the Fall Guy, etc. Trust me, I could make a list of 100 items without skipping a beat. But who wants to read all that crap? These fifteen things are at the top of the heap for me.

I thank the stars that I was able to grow up in the time period that I did. Sure, there was cool stuff before and after my childhood, but pop culture had never hit its stride so well than when I was a kid. So, to all of you who grew up a generation later than me, I say “HA! Look what you missed out on, assholes!” Now it’s time for me to go back over this list and find out what led to my consistent displays of directionless pettiness…

Classic NES Fun: Link vs. Mario

Classic Moments in Comics: Wolverine’s First Brush with Awesomeness

I know what you’re thinking. “Not another article about how cool Wolverine is.” Well…kiss my ass. Wolverine’s cool…that’s all there is to it. He was cool before the 90’s comic implosion severely overused him and he’s still cool today. But this article’s about something special. It’s about the first time Wolverine did something really cool.

Well, to be more specific, it’s about the first time I think Wolverine did something really cool. I’m talking about X-Men #114.


Since his first full appearance in 1974’s Hulk #181, Wolverine had been clearly established as a scrapper. After joining up with the X-Men in 1975, we got to see Wolverine in action issue after issue. But, since Chris Claremont had to spend time developing tons of new characters for the new X-Men team, it took him a few issues to really address how awesome Wolverine was.

I won’t give you an entire review of the story. I’m sure you can find that somewhere else on the internet. The important point is that the X-Men find themselves in the Savage Land. Cyclops has been here before, but the rest of the X-Men are Savage Land virgins. Ever the wiener, Cyclops wastes no time henpecking the others to be careful.

Well, Banshee and Storm go off flying, and a giant pterodactyl picks Banshee up and starts crushing him in its claws. Cyclops can’t get a shot in (he’s probably too busy adjusting his ruby quartz pocket protector) and Storm can’t do anything. It looks like the Savage Land’s about to become one crushed Irishman richer when…



Shyeah! Wolvie gets Colossus to give him a fastball special and is launched into the air, claws a’blazin’. He then proceeds, in mid-air, to rip through this thing like Angelina Jolie on a foreign kids adoption agency. Banshee’s freed and all is well. But, hey, Wolverine’s never one to look a gift horse in the mouth. He just keeps on slashing away at the hapless pterodactyl (sending the Savage Land branch of PETA into a frenzy, no doubt).


The day is saved. So what’s Cyclops do? He starts talking smack about Wolverine while they go searching for him. Dick.


Pretty soon, everyone regroups. Cyclops gives Wolverine some backhanded well wishing, and Nightcrawler busts out with a "Mein Gott". Best of all, Wolverine’s just sitting on the ripped up carcass talking about how much fun a land full of murderous dinosaurs is gonna be.


Wolverine had been around for about four years by this point and had certainly made his mark. But, for me, this is the first time in the character’s history that he got to do something really badass. Maybe the act is just heightened by the juxtaposition of Wolverine’s badass heroics and Cyclops’ jittery bitchiness…who knows? All I know is, this shit’s awesome!

Shitty MS Paint Autobiographies: My Trip to Ghostbusters 2

It was 1989. Life was good for me. Though my favorite decade was coming to a close, I had one awesome experience on the horizon. I was gonna see Ghostbusters 2! Now, this isn’t going to be a review of the movie. Nope. It’s going to be a sort of autobiography. You see, my childhood trip to see Ghostbusters 2 is laden with trauma. It’s nothing as serious as a robbery or an earthquake, but the experience was memorable all the same.

To help bring the experience to life for you, the reader, I’ve decided to present it in an illustrated story format. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the foresight to make a visual chronicle of the day in question when all this was going on. So I’m going to have to make due with what I’ve got. But fear not, reader! Through the magic of some less-than-rudimentary MS Paint skills, you’ll feel like you’re actually there!

Thus, I hereby present the cast of characters in this retelling of my traumatic childhood trip to see Ghostbusters 2: Ernie Hudson will play the part of myself, in honor of his inclusion in the Ghostbusters 2 cast. Playing the role of my dad will be a stuffed Fozzie Bear. And, finally, the role of the unscrupulous theater clerk will be given to none other than Skeletor.

It all started with my dad’s proclamation that he would be taking me to see Ghostbusters 2. I couldn’t have been happier. By the late 1980’s, Ghostbuster-mania was still going pretty strong. I’d been pretty excited about the new movie, and now I was actually going to get to see it! Hopping in my dad’s old blue Chevette, we made our way to the neighborhood movie theater. I happily sat in the passenger’s seat while my dad was given the unenviable task of trying to find a parking spot downtown.

Finally discovering what I’m sure was an illegal parking spot by the bank across the street, we disembarked from the car. That’s where the trouble began. As was my custom at the time, I got out of the car and proceeded to slam the door shut as hard as possible. As was also my custom at the time, I wasn’t paying very close attention to what I was doing. This was a recipe for disaster.

Before I knew it, the door had slammed shut on my pinky finger. Now, I’m not sure many people are aware of this, but the door to a 1980’s Chevette weighs about 3,000 pounds. I was trapped. The damn thing wouldn’t open back up, and my precious pinky finger was stuck inside. What was I to do?

Finally, with some fatherly heroics, my dad was able to get the door open, freeing my mangled digit. Without danger of exaggeration, I can tell you that it was every bit as agonizing as the picture makes it seem.

Fortunately, my dad was a quick thinker. He figured that I could soothe my aching pinky in a cup of ice. Across the street we went, into the theater. Once inside, my dad and I encountered the theater worker manning the concession stand. My dad explained the situation and presented my horrific little finger as evidence of our plight. Don’t let the calm expression on Ernie Hudson’s face fool you…I was still in terrific pain at this point.

And that’s when it happened. After my dad asked for a cup of ice to let his young son relax his aching finger in, the theater worker did the unthinkable. He actually CHARGED us for a cup of ice! Clearly, he was of an evil breed.

My dad’s a man of principle. But, sometimes you’ve just gotta take one for the team. He begrudgingly paid for the cup of ice, bought us our tickets, and we made our way into the theatre. All through the movie, I held my pinky in the cup of ice. Despite the aching pain, the movie was entertaining enough to take my mind off of the situation.

Nowadays, whenever I watch Ghostbusters 2, I’m reminded of the lessons I learned that day. It was my first exposure to the unscrupulous greedy nature of the movie theater industry. No, I don’t use that as an excuse to go downloading movies illegally off the internet. But it does make me feel justified in waiting until some movies are in the $5.00 bin at Wal-Mart before I’ll give them a chance. I also learned another important lesson…make sure you’re careful when shutting the car door.

And there you have it…a classic tale of a young boy’s excitement, marred by his harrowing encounter with a Chevette door and an evil concession stand worker. Action, drama, a moral, and even a happy ending. You can’t ask for much more than that. And best of all, you didn’t even have to go to the movies and pay to see it. Take THAT, Tally Ho theatres!

Weird-Ass Movie Reviews: Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger

You’ve probably heard about legendary special effects wizard, Ray Harryhausen before. He’s the one who was behind the awesome stop-motion creatures in films like Jason and the Argonauts, Clash of the Titans, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad, and tons more. The movie I’m going to review, though, is not one of the better-known Harryhausen features. It’s the third of his Sinbad movies, (preceded by The 7th Voyage of Sinbad and The Golden Voyage of Sinbad), 1977’s Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger!


Now, the other two Sinbad movies are great. I’m certainly not trying to knock them by leaving them out of this review. But for sheer weirdness, you just can’t beat Eye of the Tiger. Let’s start with the plot. Basically, Sinbad (played by Patrick Wayne, son of John Wayne) is traveling to meet up with his buddy, Prince Kassim. It seems Sinbad is looking for permission to marry up with Kassim’s sister, Princess Farah (played by Jane Seymour). But, upon getting into town, Sinbad finds that things are under total lockdown. Then, almost immediately, Sinbad and a couple of his crewmen are forced to fight for their lives against a trio of weird, bug-eyed monsters. One thing leads to another, and Sinbad takes Jane Seymour and a baboon onto his ship. But that’s no ordinary baboon…no sir. This baboon can play chess and even write on walls. Why, it’s none other than Prince Kassim!


That’s right. Sinbad’s stepped in it again. It seems an evil witch has turned Kassim into a baboon so that her son can be caliph instead of Kassim. Now I know what you’re going to say…”Why not just kill Kassim so the evil son can take over?” Not so fast, you murderous bastard. It seems that anyone who kills a member of the royal family can’t be caliph (which appears to be synonymous with “king”). So, naturally, they just turn Kassim into a baboon and hope that no one will ask too many questions as the evil son ascends to the throne.

Well, Sinbad’s not going to stand for it. He finds an old man and his hot daughter on some lost island and they go off to find some place called Hyperboria. Apparently, the old man thinks that something in Hyperboria can change Kassim back. Why the rush? Three reasons, really. First, with the passage of time, Kassim turns more and more into a baboon (in terms of his mental state). So, if they don’t fix him fast, Kassim is stuck in his babooneous form. Plus, they’ve got to change him and get him back before the 7th full moon. And, if that wasn’t enough, the evil witch and her evil son are chasing Sinbad and company on an evil boat. But she didn’t just bring her evil son. No. She’s made an evil bronze minotaur named Minaton to accompany them.


After a perilous journey, a fight with a big wasp, the evil witch getting stuck with having a permanent seagull leg, fighting a living Kali statue, meeting a friendly giant Troglodyte named Trog, a missed chance for some female nudity, and a giant walrus attack, the crew finally makes it to the ancient chamber and changes Kassim back. Yay! Sinbad saved the day. Time to get home and let Kassim get his caliph on. Not so fast! During a little struggle, the evil witch’s evil son is killed. Being evil, you might not think that she has much of a maternal instinct. But you’d be wrong. This lady’s pissed. She sends her spirit into a frozen saber-tooth tiger and it attacks. Luckily, Trog’s ready for action. He battles the saber-tooth tiger and sacrifices himself. The final blow goes to Sinbad, who spears the tiger after Trog buys the farm. NOW, things can come to a conclusion. Kassim gets crowned caliph, and everyone lives happily ever after (except the dead evil son, the evil witch with her spirit trapped in a dead saber-tooth tiger, and about a dozen dead sailors).


As I said, it’s not a bad movie at all. The plot is fast-paced and entertaining. It’s got loads of Harryhausen creations, including: the three bug-eyed monsters that Sinbad fights at the beginning of the film, Kassim in baboon form, the giant wasp, Minaton, Kali, Trog, the giant walrus, and the saber-tooth tiger (I think that’s all of them). Plus, both of the female leads in the movies are fun to look at.

There are some problems, however. My biggest complaint is the misuse of Minaton. Throughout the entire movie, you’re looking forward to Sinbad having to fight this badass bronze minotaur. But it never happens. All Minaton gets to do is row the evil witch’s evil boat, pull out a big stone, and then get crushed under said stone. That’s IT! It’s quite a disappointment. This guy looks like he could really kick some ass and take out a few of Sinbad’s seemingly endless supply of expendable sailors. Who wouldn’t love to see a battle between this bronze colossus and Patrick Wayne? The creators really missed their chance here. In fact, this COULD have led to a whole genre of “sailors battling giant minotaur” movies. But somebody high on the ladder really miscalculated.


Also, segueing to Patrick Wayne, he just isn’t a great Sinbad. For my money, John Phillip Law (from the Golden Voyage of Sinbad) gives the best portrayal of the character in these three films. Patrick Wayne doesn’t give any attention to an accent, doesn’t adequately convey the wonder and awe of what he’s seeing unfold before him, and really comes off as a guy with a beard and an earring. But, who am I to criticize? After all, this is the third time Sinbad’s gone out to some grand adventure in these movies. He’s seen it all. Maybe this stuff is just blasé to him at this point. Maybe Patrick Wayne is trying to convey Sinbad’s boredom with the life he’s chosen. Or, maybe Patrick Wayne’s just not that great of an actor.

I’m also pretty perturbed at the above-mentioned missed chance for female nudity. Immediately prior to Trog’s introduction, Jane Seymour and the old man’s daughter are frolicking nude in the water and then resting in the sunlight. This is a PERFECT opportunity for some nudity, but we don’t get any. THEN, after Trog shows up, Jane Seymour and the other girl run away in terror. Now I ask you, if this happened in real life, wouldn’t you just run away naked? I’m sure I would. But NO! These two virtuous girls take the time to gather up their robes and whatnot before running off to Sinbad for help. What a rip-off!

If Jane Seymour’s reading this, I want her to realize how disappointed I am. I’d TOTALLY buy one of those heart necklaces from her if she had showed a little more skin in 1977. But, you had to be greedy with your nudity, Jane Seymour. You couldn’t even talk the other hot actress into giving us some nudity. So, for that, I hereby swear that I’ll NEVER buy one of those necklaces from you. So there you have it, Jane Seymour. You made your bed. Now lie in it. And don’t email me over and over with apologies. You had your chance and you blew it.

But I digress.


This movie is definitely worth checking out. For fans of Harryhausen, it’s some of his best work. The stop-motion animation is nearly flawless. Even on the hairy creatures, (the baboon and the saber-tooth tiger), you can almost believe that they’re alive. Plus, you get to see a giant walrus attacking sailors AND a baboon playing chess. What other movie can offer you both of those prizes all in one package?

If you like old adventure movies, or just have an appreciation for weird, weird films, this is one for you. Yeah, it’s got it problems and is probably the weakest of the three Sinbad films. But, no other Sinbad film can match it for pure bizarreness. Watching Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger makes me feel like I’m 8-years-old again, spending my Saturday afternoon watching some strange, forgotten adventure movie that I stumbled across on a local cable station. It’s not great cinema by any means, but you’ll probably enjoy it. Hell, there’s worse ways to spend two hours of your life.

And as for you, Jane Seymour…I’m not buying any Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman DVDs either. Think of me when you’re standing in line at the welfare office and ask whether it was THAT important that you didn’t show off your boobs 30-some years ago.